pushing doesn't necessarily works best

“I wished my parents have pushed me harder,” H said.

I look up from my drink and searched her eyes. Protected by half-rimmed glasses, her eyes always glimmered of passion, idealism and naivety that softens her direct personality—it is that quality that endears her to me.

“Have your parents been to university?” I asked.

“No,” she shrugged, matter-of-factly.

“Mine neither,” I offered. A fact that I’ve been proud of for most of my life, but it has had its drawbacks.

“To be honest, I was jealous of some of our peers who move faster than us, because their parents have been there, and they know which direction to drive their child to,” I continued, “They know which careers make the most money, so they encourage their children to go there.”

“Exactly,” she exclaimed, “I really liked Amy Chua’s parenting style, her kids are more successful at a younger age, and they’ve seen the world…”

I wrinkled my nose at that name. I respect that woman in knowing how to promote her book optimally even before it hit the market, and her parenting principles ring true for a majority of Asian parents, but I don’t necessarily agree. I don’t know about these kids who move too far ahead of everyone else.

Throughout the rest of dinner, H and I continued to debate over two parenting styels: controlling parenting vs. do-whatever-you-want-we’ll-support-you parenting

The reason why I said ‘was jealous’ is because these kids who I know… they lacked passion. Being so used to having someone to guide their way, they lack the own will to find out, and sooner or later they’d probably snap. We all know the story of the self-destructive child star, the depressed prodigy.

Also children have a tendency to rebel at some point—it’s just in all of us. When I say ‘rebel’, it could also mean ‘seeing a quality in your parent that you would not like to have, so you resolve not to end up that way’. Disney cartoons sure encouraged teenage rebellion, for that matter.

It’s good to push your children, but only in something you know they are driven in. With that in mind, you can’t put drive into a person, into any person. It’s up to that person alone to discover what it is.

A day later, I told H that we’ve actually been fortunate to have parents who stepped back, and let us have a chance to find out what works best for ourselves. Guidance can only take you so far, but what you truly want will take you furthest.